“Stinkfoot,” as Frank Zappa famously described it, is an easy condition to acquire. Your body has some two million sweat glands, and about 250,000 of them are in your feet.
What’s more, the sweat from those glands, like sweat from underarms and your nether regions, contain an assortment of amino acids produced by the accompanying apocrine glands that certain bacteria love to eat. The resulting gas they produce is what smells so awful.
That’s right: Foot odor is the result of massive farting by bacteria in the midst of an all-they-can-eat amino-acid sweat feast.
As with anything having to do with your health, an ounce of prevention is indeed worth a pound of cure.
Joseph Sciandra, a podiatrist in Buffalo, New York, and president of the New York State Podiatric Medical Association, recommends keeping your feet dry and well ventilated, “especially between the toes.” If you haven’t already, invest in a stash of clean cotton socks. Wearing shoes without socks, Sciandra says, can “cause sweat to repel against the skin instead of being absorbed.”
He also suggests changing your shoes daily. This helps ensure that the pair you wear is thoroughly dry.
That favorite pair of Chuck Taylors you tie on day after day? Probably flirting with hazmat status. Give the interior of each of them a good shot of Lysol or an overnight stay in a sealed bag in your freezer to kill bacteria and give them a fresh start. Better yet, buy a matching pair and alternate days.
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You’ll also want to switch attention from socks and shoes to your feet themselves. Invest in a pumice stone, which you can use while in the shower to slough off bacteria-feeding dead skin.
And again, make sure to keep your feet as dry as possible. “Excessive sweat in a warm, dark and moist environment is the perfect incubator for fungus,” says Sciandra. That means kicking off your shoes whenever you can, and letting your feet breathe before they get so foul that shoe removal violates the Geneva Convention.
But what if none of this is enough? Stinkfoot is one of those afflictions for which there are countless treatments and so-called cures, from the homeopathic to the medically invasive.
For the sake of science and out of olfactory obligation to friends and family, I tried a few of them, using myself (and my stinky feet) as a guinea pig. Here are the recipes and results:
Epsom salt:
An old school, end-of-day soak is sublime on sore feet, and it helps kill bacteria.
To be fair, it smells like Eau De Nursing Home, but if you drop a half-cup into the vessel of your choice—I used a baby bathtub retrieved from the attic—pour in some hot water, and soak your feet for fifteen to twenty minutes, you’ll feel a therapeutic relaxation that might become a nightly ritual.
Wait, what about foot odor again? Who cares, my feet feel awesome.
Cider Vinegar:
Is there anything you can’t do with cider vinegar? It’s like the official magic household potion of Pinterest, cleaning countertops and curing upset stomachs. Why wouldn’t a foot soak be a great idea?
I’ll tell you why, because your feet will smell like some kind of house salad made with good cheese, and it smells like good cheese until you realize that good cheese often smells like bad meat—which smells like rotten feet.
Baking Soda:
Nice and bubbly, a little tickle threshold that makes it less relaxing than mildly distracting.
Again, go with hot water, and add a generous pour from the box—probably a good cup’s worth. If the effervescence conjures images of your first-grade clay volcano project, toss in a few lemon slices. You’ll add bacteria-killing citric acid, and you get an invigorating bit of aromatherapy as well.
Results? My feet smelled lemony fresh and felt extra clean to boot (pun intended). Then I remembered that the lemony freshness was coming from my feet. Great, I ruined lemonade, Italian ice, and limoncello in one sitting.
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Black Tea:
Perhaps this should be the 4 pm ritual? I boiled up a nice bath of Orange Pekoe, let it cool just enough to step in, and then had a ten-toed tea party.
The tannins apparently create an environment that put bacterial growth in check, and the warm water certainly feels good. Gazing down at the dark brew, my feet swimming translucently within, indefinitely killed my taste for crumpets.
Sure, any radiant foot aroma was gone, but replacing it with the tannic scent of tea wasn’t much of an upgrade. Plus, after pulling my feet from the tub, it looked like I was wearing painted-on socks courtesy of Lipton.
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Conclusion? Any of these will certainly work for an instant de-foot-stinkifying fix. And the warm water is a relaxing, arguably more enticing means of relaxation.
For the long term, your best bet is still to stop foot sweat by any means necessary. Your feet will be inoffensive, and you’ll avoid unintentional association between socks, shoes, and salads.
