In the beginning, you will be pretty sure your nipples are going to revolt and jump off of your body to escape. They won’t, so long as you use nipple butter.
You will start saying things like “nipple butter” without batting an eye.
You will have an incredible rack.
So firm. So perky. So fleeting.
You will understand the struggle of a dairy cow in a new way.
Pumpers gonna pump.
You will know the strange feeling of unsheathing a boob in public.
“Are my nipples covered? My nipples are covered, right?”
You will have to get used to the even stranger feeling of teenagers and general mouth breathers staring.
“Mind if I stare without blinking while you eat?” — them to your baby.
At some point, you will probably have to milk yourself.
The phrase “crying over spilled milk” will take on new meaning.
So will the phrase “liquid gold.”
You might breastfeed an adult at least once.
What? Curiosity is weird.
You’ll realize that boob science and water balloon science are kind of the same.
The fuller they get, the further they shoot.
You’ll be tempted to see how far you can actually shoot it.
Suddenly little boys writing their names in the snow makes total sense.
At some point, you will succumb to curiosity and taste the stuff.
It’s sweet and delicious, tbh.
You will watch as your sweet innocent baby transforms into a rabid boob shark.
How can something so small be so controlling?
If you like popping zits, you’re in luck. Clearing clots is WAY FUCKING BETTER/WORSE.
Imagine making fresh pasta…through your nipple.
You’ll probably leak through your shirt without noticing.
You will never stop wondering if anyone else picked up on it before you did.
The urge to photograph your baby breastfeeding may become overwhelming.
It’s cool. Just remember your hashtag. #normalizebreastfeeding #beautifulbfing
You’ll discover the true functionality of that boob-less bra.
Direct access FTW.
Two words: Phantom letdown.
Are my boobs crying? They’re crying aren’t they?
You’ll drink like 500 milkshakes because people will tell you you can’t gain weight while breastfeeding, only to discover that those people were liars.
Nurses, doctors, and lactation consultants will manhandle your boobs like they’re not attached.
But they are attached, you guys. THEY ARE ATTACHED.
You will feel an incredible sense of pride with every ounce your baby gains.
You MADE THAT. G’head girl. High five yourself.