I mean, if you’re just gonna flush it down the toilet…
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1. Paint an accent wall in your foyer. Wow first-time guests with your bold home decor. 2. Dye all your old, dingy white socks a brilliant period red so that they always look brand new. 3. Scrawl warnings to your enemies in a dark alley. 4. Use it as warpaint. Start a war. 5. Mix it with petroleum jelly to create an organic tinted lipgloss. 6. Dig a moat around your house. Fill the moat with period blood. Never deal with unwanted solicitors again. 7. Fertilize your herb garden. 8. Dye your hair. Draw comparisons to Rihanna ca. 2010. 9. Create an all natural lava lamp. Sell a bunch on Etsy. Open a shop in Brooklyn with the profits. 10. Mix it with clear nail polish to create a vampy red nail color. Name it something cute like “MenstruGREAT To See You This Month.” Become the CEO of OPI. 11. Flick it on participants during a séance to let any potential ghosts know you’re not messing around. 12. Use it to write a bloody valentine while listening to My Bloody Valentine. 13. Baptize a small child in it. 14. Add it to a protein shake for an iron boost. 15. Donate it to a television crime drama to subsidize their production costs. 16. Dump it on your head and show up to your friend’s party saying, “Traffic was a NIGHTMARE.” 17. Sprinkle it on your clothes. Interact with your neighbors. Make lots of banging noises in your basement late at night to raise suspicion and add some drama to their godforsaken lives. 18. Use it to replace the ink in your ballpoint pen and edit an essay for a women’s studies class. 19. Donate it to the Red Cross??? Why isn’t this possible yet??????? 20. Fill up a ketchup bottle with it. Place the bottle on a restaurant table. Leave. 21. Write a chart-topping death metal song. Film a music video featuring a montage where it rains blood. Gain notoriety with metalheads. Party with Slayer.
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22. Draw a circle around your bed with it to ward off bad dreams and to intimidate any one night stands. 23. Use it to reenact that scene from Lion King where Rafiki draws a red line on Simba’s forehead with his thumb but use your cat instead of a baby lion because where are you supposed to get a baby lion. 24. Use it to reenact that scene from Carrie where a bucket of blood pours on her head and she sets shit on fire with her mind. 25. Use it to reenact that scene from Psycho, The Shining, Scream, The Exorcist, or any horror film that’s ever been made. 26. Mix it with fish guts to create an effective chum for luring sharks. Throw the mixture into the ocean. Sit back and marvel at the sheer power of a feeding shark. 27. Drizzle it over a plain snowcone. Offer it to your vampire friend on a hot day. 28. Collect it in a bucket and place it on the very edge of your property to distract mosquitos during your 4th of July barbecue. 29. Cover your right hand in it, shake someone’s hand, yelp and say, “Whoa, strong grip there, fella!” Gesture to your hand as proof. 30. Use it to lubricate that squeaky hinge you’ve been meaning to fix. 31. Invite your neighbors over for an impromptu Satanic ritual. Substitute period blood for ram’s blood. 32. Donate it to PETA to throw at models wearing furs to offset the escalating cost of red paint. 33. Bake it into a German chocolate cake and leave it on your ex’s doorstep. 34. Rub it on your palms and wait for someone to accuse you of a crime. Hold up your hands to indicate you’ve been caught red-handed. 35. Create a hyperrealistic haunted house for Halloween by covering every surface of your home in period blood. Become the most popular house on the block among trick-or-treaters far and wide. 36. Put it up your nose. Buy cheap tickets to a sporting event. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say, “Boy, they weren’t kidding when they said this was the nosebleed section!” Make friends. 37. Put it in a Tupperware with a couple of meatballs and store it in your office fridge. Find out who’s been eating your lunch by checking your coworkers for red teeth. 38. Cast spells with it. Charm some people. Curse some people. Go wild. 39. Fill up a bathtub with it. Put a tiny toy sailboat in the bathtub. Imagine a universe where water is red. 40. Save it in the freezer in case you ever have a vampire bat as a dinner guest. 41. Come out of an SAT testing facility covered in it. Say to the students waiting to take the test, “I really should have studied more.” 42. Hold a jar of it up to your boyfriend’s face and say, “When’s the last time you lost THIS much blood?” Feel powerful.
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